How to end a relationship with children

How do I leave a marriage with childrenTina,

how do you end a relationship of 6 years and have 3 kids with a man that is constantly putting you down calling you names, telling u he wants other women but then the next minute tells you he loves you… how do i get out of this …. why do i keep going back

Confused

Dear Confused,

My answer will be in two parts because I need more details and am unsure of which way to go. My questions to you would be as followed;

How long has this been going on? Has he been doing this since you met him? If not, what events lead to him treating you this way? I’m not saying that you deserve to be treated this way but I am wondering how this came about. Was it out of the blue? Has he cheated on you?

In some ways I wonder if he doesn’t know how to communicate. Did his father treat his mother similar? Is your husband willing to change? Have you communicated to him that you will not tolerate being talked to that way? There is a reason the two of you fell in love and had three children, you must ask yourself if this marriage is salvageable. Is he just lashing out because there is a deeper issue going on with him. Have either one of you talked about seeking help from a relationship coach or therapist?

I wonder the age of your kids. Is he putting you down or yelling around the kids? If so, this is very unhealthy. Kids will look at the relationship you have with their father and see this as the norm. If you have a little girl then she will feel that it is OK to be treated this way by a man. If you have little boy then he will think it is normal to call women names and put them down. If you have already told him not to call you names and he still continues to do so even in front of the children then it is time for a change. You cannot have your kids in a hostile environment.

You will need to look at what support system you have in place. Do you have friends and family members that would be willing to help you out? Do you have a job or are you a housewife with no income? You must also ask yourself if you are ready to make this step in leaving if you have really tried to work on things with your spouse and he just all of sudden started treating you bad. The road is not an easy one by any mean when you have kids and this is why you must be sure that something else in the marriage is not going on that can be worked on by the both of you. If you decide to leave,you will be put through the ringer having to find a place to live or if you feel like you can stay where you are then having him removed. You will have to find a job, find babysitters and maybe go to court on several occasions. It takes a strong woman to get through this but once you do make the change your life will eventually become more positive.

If you are serious about ending this then have you considered getting an Order of Protection? This can be given if he is mentally abusing you especially around your children. The court will give you an order of protection and will state who can live in your current residence and who can leave. The court will then issue an emergency temporary custody order. You will then go back in a week after this has been issued for a permanent protective order that will be good for a year. While the order is good for a year you will have time to figure out the next steps that have to be taken while being “protected.”

I remember when I got a protective order, I actually decided to leave my residence because I knew he would harass me even with the protective order. I did not feel safe at that residence so I moved in with a friend. I left all my belongs and my child’s belongings. I started from scratch with a very low paying job. He continued to harass me and every time that he did I called the police and documented everything. I went to court on numerous occasions and never gave up. I wanted him to know that he could not do this to me anymore. It lasted about 2 years of constant hell but I had to do it for the sake of my child and myself. I never said anything bad about her father but I wanted her to feel love when she came home from school and have a happy, positive environment to grow up in. I have a child with special needs so I made the decision I had to stop worrying about him and putting up with his abuse so I could really put my attention where it needed to be in the first place.

Here is a great website that will give you the information needed on obtaining an Order of Protection http://www.letswrap.com/legal/ofp.htm

I know locally we have a crisis line center and domestic abuse line, this center actually takes in mothers with children who want to leave an abusive situation. They are given clothes, allowance, help in finding a job and help in finding a place to live. The people in the shelters have been through a lot but are all there to support one another. Depending on your area there may be a waiting list.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline phone number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) if you need to talk to somebody about coming up with a plan to get out of an abusive situation. They are there to help you. There website is http://www.thehotline.org/

Here are a list of questions to consider if you feel you are being abused given by the National Violence Hotline.

Does your partner:

  • Embarrass you with put-downs?
  • Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
  • Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
  • Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
  • Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
  • Make all of the decisions?
  • Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
  • Prevent you from working or attending school?
  • Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
  • Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
  • Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
  • Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
  • Force you to try and drop charges?
  • Threaten to commit suicide?
  • Threaten to kill you?

If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.

If you give me more specifics about the situation I would be more than happy to help you along the way.  It does help if you have a good support system that is knowledgeable in regards to what steps you need to take in order to make a safe exit.

You must remain strong and know that what ever you decide must be in the best interest of yourself and your children.  I know it can be hard to remain strong after being put down so much.  Do not allow him to do this to you anymore, tell him it is unacceptable.  If he wants to find another women then tell him to go ahead and leave.  Contact a lawyer to then help you along the way if you have a job and the situation is not physical.  You have several routes to take and the more specifics I have about the situation the more I can help guide you in the right direction.  I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, I know it’s rough but if you remain calm and ask for help then it will go much smoother.

Good Luck!

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3 responses to “How to end a relationship with children

  1. Pingback: The Rough Road Ahead… « Learning To Live!

  2. You make some very good points. Thank you for providing resources.

    I do have a question-Is it better to leave an abuser without notice? I have heard this & I was thinking it would anger the abuser more so.

  3. I believe your safety is first and foremost the most important aspect of leaving that you need to take into account as a priority. Ask yourself what would he/she do if you told them that you were leaving? What would he/she do if you left without notifying them? Either way I think they will not pleased. I personally would leave without telling them to ensure my safety and keep my location confidential. Meanwhile get a protective order or restraining order right way because you have been abused and fear he/she coming after you. If you are unsure what to do you can always call your local domestic abuse line or women’s shelter to help you with a safety plan.

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